uncomfortable 108pm

i feel really uncomfortable in my own skin right now. i dont know how to describe it. im laying in my bed warm and fine but my mind is everywhere. i feel like shit. i hate college right now. my roommate situation is not ideal but i have to live with her so i might as well make the best out of everything. i just dont feel like i can trust anyone, or anything that they say. i miss joe alot lately. i havent talked to him in a couple days, but he comes back one week from today for 2 days. better than nothing. one part of me is so excited to go home and get out of this place but i dont want to be around my house packing and getting ready for the move. my anxiety disorder and depression is back in full swing and im not sure how to cope with everything going on. i want to pack up and re-start everything. i am so sad and anxious, i feel like i dont have any stability in my life. and now i dont have a home. maybe ill visit renee this weekend and get out of this place without being back home. i need a drink.

strangers 252am

i had surgery yesterday. laser removal surgery on my tattoo. i got on the train and went by myself, cried my eyes out and bit the fuck out of my hand. it hurts alot...my tattoo that once read hope in cursive looks like a five year old wrote it, and it has burn marks all over it. i cant believe my parents are making me do this shit. 3rd session. only 5-9 left. woo. im so broke, and i want this dress really bad, which fucking sucks. i came home this morning on the train, i watched people the entire time. people on the train are by far the most interesting and diverse group of people to observe. i wished i had my sketchbook so i could remember their faces, and the stories that their faces were telling me. but now its just a blur of strangers.

the house is being settled...and the move out date is january 12th. i go back to school the 20th. if i could have anything in the world, i would have this house. putting a date on this makes it so real. i am so terribly distraught over this i cant even breathe thinking about it. my dog sarge is laying on my hardwood floor with his cute little eyes blinking closed and his paws twitching, i am going to miss him. he loves me so much and i dont know why, thats probably why i love him so much, he showers me with attention and will only cuddle with me. i love him and he makes me feel special. work back here in my hometown sucked. i only made 30$ in tips from party hostessing, and i did really good. i need to get a job at hooters or bartending or something. its getting ridiculous how broke i am. and in 2 months i will be out of this house forever and my parents will be gone. along with my childhood and i have no money to take care of myself. awesome. this fucking sucks, i dont know how else to say it. the people who buy our house can go fuck themselves. i need a drink. tomorow i shall buy a massive amount of alcohol before returning to college. totally aware im a functioning alcoholic...it happens. and i cant wait for joe to come home so i can fuck him. fuck all this bullshit.

changes 704am

it seems like everyone is "blogging" these days. i dont really know what it entails or if anyone will ever read this blog, or if i will even keep up with it. i decided to start this blog almost like a written account of the changes that my life encounters.

this point in my life i feel almost as if i cant breathe anymore. i feel as if people misinterpret me as a strong young girl with a pocketful of opinions and sexual references. inside, i am engulfed in emotions, some i dont even understand. i guess its normal to feel this way your freshman year of college. maybe its not. the people i am surrounded by each day are constantly changing, i am constantly meeting new people. each face and each name tells me a new story, even one eye lock i feel so connected to everyone. and the encounters in high school seem forever away, when someone familiar approaches you its like a whole new person, this college person. its a wonderful feeling, but everything is changing. i go back to my home and its different. theres a metal sign in the front of it with some middle aged woman's smiling face on it. soon the license plates will be changed and my parents will be half way across the country by my second semester. the smell of my room is different. the pamphlets on the counter advertise our home. my home. the place i have not only lived in, but have grown in since i was born. in grade school when my dad started to remodel our home, and he worked on each separate part of the house. i hated the sound of hammering on a saturday morning. i would do anything in the world for that sound back. or the grandfather clock. the one that we hid behind during tag, the one that made that weird noise when mom winded it up before retiring for bed, the one that woke up my friends at sleepovers. the one i love. these things are gone to me already. i dont care if they are still there. and knowing this will be our last thanksgiving, my last birthday, our last christmas in this house, makes it heart wrenching. my mom who tears out of happiness when all her "chickies are home". her chickies will soon be scattered across state lines, and my dim memories of us 5 are merely images that i keep in my heart. i couldnt wait to leave the house. i counted down the days i could bust out of our suburban home. no more grandfather clocks, no more curfews, no more hammering, no more waking me up mid-day. i would give my left arm to go back several years. that fireplace was supposed to hang my husbands new stocking at my first married christmas, my children were supposed to play tag in the house like i did, we were supposed to sit around the table with my sisters and their children and have grown up talk. all of those images in my heart that i always imagined have vanished. alone in the city where i feel abandoned, left behind. a dorm isnt a real home. a real home doesnt kick you out for holidays. when my new found friends ask where i am from, how do i answer? 'well i used to be from there. but my parents upped and moved over 5 states.' will i ever go back to visit? will it make me sad? will it make me happy? will i have somewhere to stay? why couldnt they have moved sooner? changing my homebase.

my boyfriend joe comes home in 12 days for 2 days then away for 4 weeks then home for 4 months then away for 7-? months in afghanistan. being in the marines is not a job. its not an occupation. its not even a career. its a life that you sign yourself into. its making a lifelong commitment to a lifestyle that you will never get rid of. he comes and goes like the tide. i feel like everything is unstable around me. everything is changing, constantly. my brother ben comes home in january instead of december now from afghanistan. my sister nicole will be returning in spring from wherever she is in the sea. sister renee is here. just as much of a mess as i am, but just as unstable. i cant rely on her, i cant lean on anything because too many things have been swept out from underneath me. i have to do this on my own. i miss joes hands. his big calloused hands. his soft blue eyes. and that little halfass kiss he gives me on the forehead. why did love find me at the worst time? is there a good time? im constantly thinking about the future and how different my life will be in seperate times throughout this next year. will anything be stable? will anyone in my life now, still be here? will joe still love me over seas? changing time.

i havent slept in 20hrs and 30 mins. ive gone from sober drunk sober hungover sober in the past couple hours. i dont like how the word sober outnumbers the word drunk in that sentence. renee and i share our love for alcohol, thank god someone can relate. i consider us functioning alcoholics. keyword: functioning. unless you were my roommate jamie, i dont think you could tell. jamie puts up with alot of my shit. and alot of my shit i dont bother to explain soley because i dont think she could relate, or understand. i am so overwhelmed with feelings right now. friends,moving,family,joe,alcohol,etc. is it possible to be stable in such an unstable environment? is it normal to feel these things? why is my flask empty at a time like this?